Happy Birthday to our angel Hailee

It doesn't seem like it's been 2 years already.  I was talking to my mom on the way home from work today and she said that everyone keeps saying, 'it's only been a year' and my mom says 'nope, it's been 2 years'.  Of course I remember it like it was yesterday.  I'm sure I always will.  I think about it everyday and probably will always do that too.  I did pretty good today.  I was probably worse last night.  I had some moments last night.  I did today too, but I also got some sad news of a guy who I went to college with past away yesterday and one of my agents who was a dear sweet man died today.  Both taken by cancer.  What a horrible, horrible disease!!  So it was a very somber day all around.  I kind of went numb today.  I found myself spacing out several times.  I think Sandra, my co-worker, noticed too because about 20 minutes before my lunch she told me to go ahead and go.  Sandra is a very close friend of mine and I feel a special bond with her because she actually went through the loss of a baby.  When people say 'I can't imagine what you are going through' Sandra says 'I CAN imagine what you are going through because I've been there'.  I'm so glad to have her in my life.  That kind of friendship is one that will stay with you for good, even after you leave the job.  I'm thankful to have all the friends that I do.  They are all so supportive.  I had several messages today from friends who just wanted to let me know they were thinking of us.  My heart is full when I hear how many people remember my baby girls birthday.  My father-in-law, Ron, stopped by the office this morning and hung out and chatted with Sandra and me for a while.  He stopped by Hailee's grave on the way and I thought that was so sweet!  I'm still pretty numb tonight, so I can't really express my feelings at the moment.  Really I think it's just hard to put into words.  I'm extremely angry.  I wonder if the anger will ever go away.  I know the hurt and sadness won't but surly the anger will.  It's been 2 years though and it seems to be getting worse instead of better.  So I don't know what to do about that.  I find myself pushing the thoughts away when I start to get sad.  Mainly because it's a habit from work because I don't want to be like that at work, but when I'm at home and I start to push the feelings down I have to remind myself that I'm home, I can deal with this now.  That's when it kind of feels weird.  One second I will cry really hard then I stop suddenly like I wasn't even crying before.  Have you noticed that showers are really weird to cry in?  Maybe it's me, but I have a hard time with crying in the shower but that's the best place to cry.  I mean really.  It's away from everyone else, it's your quiet time alone, so you should be able to cry your heart out.  Don't get me wrong, I definitely cry my heart out in the shower, but it's very strange I guess to not be able to feel your tears roll down your face or swell in your eyes.  It's almost comforting to feel those tears slide down your checks, make your eyelashes wet, feel your nose running.  In the shower, those get washed away, so it makes you feel like you are not even crying.  I know this may sound a little weird, but that's just me.  I'm a crier.  Me and crying go way back.  Sometimes I watch certain movies just because I know I'll get to have a good cry.  Women will understand that statement more than the men will.  Maybe it's the release that I'm searching for.  Everyone needs that release.  Of course there are many forms of release of stress, anger, sadness, anxiety etc.  Mine is definitely crying. (Maybe I need a punching bag). But sometimes when you think you should cry, you can't.  It doesn't come.  What is that all about?  I call it 'going numb'.  I do that a lot I've noticed.  There have been times when I've felt like consoling a friend who is getting chocked up or crying over Hailee.  Weird huh?  Moments...that's all they are.  We feel what we feel in that moment.  Sometimes I'll burst into tears when I've just been laughing and other times I'll just 'go numb' when I should be crying my eyes out.   Moments.  I feel like I'm doing this whole grief thing in a healthy way though.  I'm thankful for my husbands step-mom, Lori, for giving me a book when Hailee past called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L. Davis.  This book helped me to deal with my grief in a healthy way and to not hide it.  If you want to cry...cry.  If you want to talk about it...talk about it.  Acknowledge the death.  Don't ignore it.  30 years ago when someone lost a child, I don't believe it was talked about much.  I think they just pushed it away and ignored it.  I know the parents didn't forget it.  They remembered it everyday I'm sure.  My parents lost their first baby after 1 day of her birth, but I don't recall knowing about her until I was several years old.  She was never talked about. That's just how they dealt with the death of a child then.  For back then, they made the best decisions they could at that time and day.  Things have really changed now and I think it's definitely for the better.  I want to celebrate Hailee.  When someone asks me if I have kids, I say 'yes, my step-daughter Emilee and my daughter Hailee who is no longer with us'.  I'm sorry if that makes that person uncomfortable, because it doesn't make me uncomfortable.  It makes me proud.  She is my daughter and it would be wrong for me to ignore that.  Emilee will grow up knowing she has a sister and she will always cherish that and love her.

So, I'm going to get through this day and make it one day at a time here after.  I will try to understand why I'm so angry and try to heal that.  I doubt that is possible, but I may just have to learn to live with that anger.  The anger is not only for Hailee but for the kids that I always thought I would have.  I took that for granted growing up.  We all think that when we get older we will get married and have kids and a dog.  Funny how life throws you curve balls.  So when you go to bed tonight and you kiss your kids goodnight, thank God right then and there for your precious miracle.  Don't take that for granted.  God saw fit to let you have that child so be grateful and thank Him everyday!

Thank you to all my friends and family for your prayers and support!  I love you all very much!

Happy Birthday Hailee bug!  Mommy and Daddy Love you very much!  I can't wait to see you again.